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Please note that information provided in this page is strictly as a satire on surfing culture. So have some laugh. Also any resemblance of these descriptions to your poser friend or youselves is purely coincidental. |
Well, so you tried it and you realized that you cannot surf, but you want to be included in a circle of your real surfing friends. What to do? Here are some tips I can offer.
Surfing belongs mathematically to a class of multi-dimensional dynamic problem solving. This means that it is either not possible or very difficult to come up with a single most optimum solution. As such, if you can discuss one parameter aspect of it well, you can talk yourself easily out of surfing with a very convincing argument. Perplexed? Here are some practical ways:
Always be prepared to discuss the latest and best set of surfing equipment., be it a board or a webbed gloves, it really does not matter. Since the market is always coming out with "better" equipment, blaming any "obsolete" equipment always sounds convincing.
Become an expert on board designs; their advantages and their shortcomings. Know all about the length, the size, the width, the rail shape, the thickness and how they affect the expert professional surfing so that you can blame your equipment as to why you would not surf with your friends on any specific session.
Become an expert on surfing conditions. Learn all about the terminology surrounding surfing conditions such as closeouts, blown-outs, double-ups, high tide, minus tide etc., so that you can effectively blame on surfing conditions for you inability to surf.
Always tell the stories of big or great waves, where and when they happen and have happened, and then add that the condition right in front of you is incomparably "bad.".
Became a professional excuser. Your excuse should always be "<Your excuses +> I am not going in here. I will check other spots, catch you later." and never ever say "I don't want to surf." For example, "The NW wind is blowing really hard here. I am going to check out the Jetty, and I will be back if that's worse. See ya later!"
Remember your goal as an expert poser is not to actually surf, but provide enough evidence that you almost would have if everything is perfect and to that effect you craft very believable statements so your surfing bros will genuinely believe that you just cannot surf on that specific session.
As a poser, your entry to the beach should come in style. The following are usually a good poser's choice as far as a surfer mobile goes:
Any U.S. made family sedans or wagons older than 1965.
For 1980 or later, pick an European model station wagons such as Volvo, Audi, VW. If you are contemplating for a Mercedes wagon go for a Turbo-Diesel model.
For 1990 or later, go for a Subaru or a Pickup. Note that if you are getting a pickup truck, do not put the cap on. You need to get a tail-gate pad and throw your show board in there.
Any year model VW van (bus) will be a good choice, especially if you are a long boarder poser. However, stay away from Mini-Vans. They are for real surfers with families or surf board geeks (they actually surf, but often not very well) with lots of boards. For whatever the reasons, most surfers do not choose the PT Cruiser (I don't know why).
If you can afford it and if you are going to be a short-boarding poser, get a convertible or a Jeep and stick your board on the passenger seat or a back seat, always sticking upright.
Sorry mates, but I don't know too much about Australian cars, but write to me about them so can I can add the info here.
Always supplement your car with lots of stickers. More the better so on your trip on Highway 1 stop at every surf town and buy more stickers of surf shops!
Oh, this is probably most important so read well. As a poser, you should not be caught with an old beaten up board or those foamy beginner boards. Since you are actually not going to put your boards to use, your investment will last practically forever, so why not go for the best?
It is not necessary for you to get a used board and if you want to be a poser you absolutely should not. Actually real good surfers often have newer looking board with very little damages (though they bought them from ex posers real cheap.) So do not hesitate to get a brand new board from your local shop. No need to inflict fake dings or anything like that.
If you are going to be a "long board" poser, then you should consider getting one of the classic shaper model replicas (read a surfing history book). Most of them will run for about the double the price of production boards (though they mostly are production boards). Do not get anything less than $1000 a board. Stay away from Epoxy replica boards as they look especially like mass produced. Unless you plan to get in the water and paddle around a bit, remove the leash.
If you are going to be a "short board" poser or a semi-poser, first of all, do not get a board any longer than 6'4. Also go for a replica board with a famous championship names. Look at the photos in any surf magazine, pick one of the best pros and the pick the board brand they are using. You should pay at least $800 or more for those short boards. Do not get an Epoxy kind. It does not look right for a poser with a taste. Keep the leash on short boards.
Do not get a board bag or a sock. Just put the board right on your car rack. Fin side up. It is OK to put the fin side forward or backwards. Never ever put the fin side down.
If you acquire a board with Safeco-Hawaii safety fins, remove them right away, send them to me. Short-boarders should replace those with black or carbon-fibre fins with NC (numerical controlled) designed contour fins with the foil pattern that can drive the turns. Long boarder posers should put as expensive and big of a middle fin (nose-rider fins) as possible you can get at the shop, and remove the side fins (be sure to claim side fins are useless on long boards.)
The latest model major-brand wetsuit should be acquired. Be sure to read manufacture's websites for any technical advancements and become familiar with the terms like Titanium etc. Get a sprayer from a cosmetic section (ask your mom, wife or a girlfriend if you are a guy as to where it is at a drug store). Spray some mist of water then if you have a hatch back on your car, open the hatch and and hang your suit on a coat hanger just as if you had a session.
Never caught wearing:
A helmet
Gloves
Booties
If you are short-boarding poser, a pair of ear plugs are a must. Get one of those putty kinds. A pair of Doc's plug will tell you that you are associated with one of those real Santa Cruz surfers (unless that's the effect you are creating.) You are assumed to be duck diving and performing island pull-outs.
A major surf brand knit hat.
A sweatshirt with a hood (we call them hoodies). When you are doing a surf check, your hood should be up and your hands in the pockets. If you are a short board poser, hold your short board to your side.
Do not get any bright color wet suites if you want to be a NorCal poser.
If it is hot, wear the latest board-shorts and wear a cap backwards plus a cool pair of sunglasses; all from major surf brands. If you are wearing T-shirts, do not tuck it in the shorts. That will make a surf geek.
Seriously, whatever you do, protect your skin with a good amount of sun protection lotion. You are gong to stand around at the beach all day, right?
Most critical! As a poser, you do not want to show up with your new board without any wax on, too clean of a wax job, or too much wax on. This is where most real surfers can spot you 400 meters away that you are a poser.
Be sure to wax your board and also harvest some soot from the tail-pipe of your car or burn a candle flame on a cookie sheet and rub it in over the wax, more in the center of the board where the black wetsuit rubs against the most.
Long board posers should make sure to put both base and top coats all the way from the tail to the tip and then sprinkle some soot then rub it in. Ask for "tropical" wax as they will not melt easily while you board is baked in the Sun. The idea here is that you don't want to have a completely cleanly waxed board all the time. If you want "I surf Rincon a lot" look, then take some black grease out of a motorcycle or bicycle chains rub some of that on as oil spots.
Short board posers should only wax the middle part of the board from 2/3 from the tail down. Do not wax the rails. Do not forget to stick the traction pad on. Ask the surf shop person to stick this for you. The pad will need to right over where the fins are. I repeat. Do not wax the rails.
As a poser, you should meticulously wax n your parking lot each time you pull in (after 20-30 minutes of surf check.)
Attention snowboarding posers. The wax goes on the deck side on surf boards (where you would stand on if you do surf).
Do not suit up right when you arrive, and absolutely do not drive up with the suit on, that's a sign of a surf geek. Instead, conduct at least 20 to 30 minutes of careful and through surf check. Know the wind and tide information before you get there. Be prepared to discuss any blemishes in today's condition with anyone.
In the parking lot, do some intelligence collection by eaves-dropping on conversations by other real surfers and posers. This will help you conjure up conversations with your friends on why you cannot surf on that particular time and place they have picked (but you came anyway).
Always join a message board or e-mail group on the Internet and collect the latest and the greatest information. Just post a message or two that you are interested in surfing and that you would be very interested in coming. Be sure to follow up with the following excuse: "Sorry I was late, but you were already out in the water. I went in but could not find you." This will wear thin after about 5 sessions or thereabouts. So, you do need to show up on-time once in a while. But if you do, you need to complain about the condition and tell others that you are going to check out other breaks before you might come back. See below on how to complain about the conditions.
Emergency Maneuver: If your no show technique is wearing thin but still want to stretch that, do go late, about a hour or more from the proposed time. Bring a paper napkin with you. Write on it "Sorry I was looking for you all over the places!", and put that on the wiper. Then conduct the life for the rest of the day, go bike riding, go to surf movies for more knowledge... whatever. Do not show up from 90 minutes to 2 hour zone from the session start. An average session time for most surfers is about 115 minutes.
If you are a semi-poser and do go into the water, then you should be on a 6'4 short board, and stay well within the "inside" where there is a lot of white water and do not wonder in to the area where your feet cannot touch the bottom.
A nice gesture and to stay in the circle of surfing friends longer might be to take photos with your brand new 5 mega-pixel digital camera or a new MiniDV video camera. Then host a party to watch the videos and other professional surfing DVDs at your home.
Now this is where you really do need to shine by reading up and understand something about surfing conditions, so there is no way around learning. But in general;
Because of the variable nature of the weather, complaining or commenting about the weather is almost always a great strategy whether you are surfing or waiting for a bus on Euclid Avenue in Cleveland in February. This will always paint a picture of a sympathetic individual to other people around you. Throw in words like "global warming", "Kyoto Accord" and "El Nino Effects" you are now an expert in weather.
Along the same line, always complain the weather or the condition now is not as good as compared to { an hour ago, yesterday, last month, last season, the same time last year, back in the 70's, when my mom or pop used to surf in before they had you.} Remember that the weather has always been better when you were growing up.
When the wind is strong, that is usually an indication of poor condition. So some wind is kicking up when you are supposed to be surfing with your friends you are in luck to avoid getting in the water. Especially if the wind is blowing on-shore (blowing from the shore to the ocean) then you are in an excellent luck. Just say "it's to much on-shore, so you are going to find another location." The key here is to provide an enough excuse so that you have an ability to show up late then disappear after about 5 minutes of conversation.
If you are in Santa Cruz, complain that the tide is not low enough. In that case tell other surfers that you will be back when the tide is lower.
If it happens to be on an outgoing tide, blame on that condition. You say you will be back to try the incoming low.
If you are in Pacifica or Half Moon Bay, complain that the tide is not high enough and it is not an incoming tide and the wind is onshore. For this to work, however you do need to learn a bit about the wind and tide so that you do show up at these inopportune moments to tell other suffers that you cannot go because of such conditions.
Also blame that the condition that it not big enough for you. This almost always works because there really is not a definition of what really is "big" for any given surfer.
If you see any white water in the beach, just say, "it is closing out!" and get out. Nobody really knows what exactly constitutes a close out anyways.
In the Winter and the early Spring when the surf condition can get really excellent, either go snowboarding or tell your friends that you are going to.
Blame your board, then tell them either that you are going to get another one from your garage or to go look for another board from shops. Either ways, they will provide enough excuses for you to disappear from the scene.
If the waves appear to be too mellow, blame that you have too short or a long of a board. Either ways work.
If the waves appear to be too strong, blame that you have too short or a long of a board. Either ways work.
If you do get in the water and still want to pose, utter the following excuses in the water followed by "I am going to get out, see ya later!"
If you got in with a board less than 8'0, blame that your board is too short, and that you cannot ride.
If you got in with a board longer than 8'0 blame that you board is too long and that it is is too long to get in the waves.
If you got an 8'0, can't excuse that one. Try a swell or tide blemish technique I already talked about.
If your board width is less than 20 inches, complain that it is too "tippy" for the condition that you cannot ride.
If the tail of the board is too straight, complain that your board is too fast so you cannot ride.
If the tail of the board is too round, complain that your board is too slow and so you would pearl. Or simply say it "too round" and get out of the water.
If the rail is too thin, then it is too thin. Yeah, it is too wafer thin for the condition. Paddle back in.
If the rail is too thick, then it is too thick for you. It is too darn thick. Can't surf here today.
Most modern boards are relatively flat on the bottom, so you can safely complain about not enough V, concave, or channels that you cannot ride well. However check with your surf shop that your board do not have these features before you use these excuses.
If your board thickness is less than 2 inches, complain that the board does not float well for the condition so there isn't enough and you would pearl.
If you board is wider than 22 inches, complain that it is too wide so you cannot surf well.
If you are in Santa Cruz, blame the crowd and other long-boarders so you cannot surf.
If you are not in Santa Cruz, and there is at least 1 person at the lineup blame the crowd anyway!
If any of above do not make sense, say any of that it anyway because one person's idea of what makes it difficult is always different from others'.
If you friend is using an Epoxy board, pointing at your collector-item fibre-glass board, tell your fiend that Epoxy boards are no good and I will surf with you again if you got the fiberglass board. They are too light and skip over the waves, too stiff and won't "give" on turns. Another strategy is to victimize yourself and get an Epoxy board and tell others that the reason why you cannot surf well is because of the board construction.
If your friend is using an old beaten up board, SofTop or a form board, tell them that they are bad ideas because they would grow out of them quickly never surf those boards again and tell them that soon you will be fully enjoying your new collector item board.
Complain that your wetsuit is not of the latest technology and you are always freezing your butts off and cannot take off. Luckily this will always work because every year more "warmer" wetsuits are coming out in the market somehow your old suit colder (By the year 2100, you will be melting inside the new suit and perform a cryogenic experiment on the 2000's models). Also mention that in Hawaii, Fiji and Costa Rica there is no need to wear a wetsuit in the same breath.
Along the line above, just tell your friends that you don't surf NorCal because it is too cold. This always works especially if you lived in other warmer locations.
The BFS syndrome is a disorder and it usually strikes surfers in their early stages. In fact, I believe that up to 95% of beginning surfers will catch this disorder during their first 3-6 months of attempting to become a surfer. Once a surfer has been diagnosed with this disease then it is often very difficult or not possible to cure this syndrome. Of those 10% that who do not catch this, they can safely move onto the intermediate level surfer and become nearly completely immune to the BFS. They will continue to be able to function as a surfer for the rest of their lives. Of the 90%, they become asymptomatic by releasing their surfing equipment out of their possessions, or by simply moving away from the ocean.
Indication and Diagnosis: If you are seeing the following symptoms, it is a danger sign that you have acquired this disorder.
You devote more time at hanging around at surf equipment retailers than at the beach.
You devote more time in reading about the surfing through magazines, web pages or motion pictures.
You can never meet other surfers on-time, or blown off surfing commitments several times.
You begin to believe that your equipment is the cause of your surfing problems.
You begin to believe that there are better weaves cranking elsewhere even if you are in Fiji.
Cure:
Join my StokeMaster.COM and pour out your problems (free counseling).
Join my StokeMaster.COM and admit and announce yourself that you have been a poser.
Join my StokeMaster.COM and declare yourself that you are going to kick all bad poser habits.
Switch to a used and less fashhttp://www.stokemaster.comionable but proven equipment for learning surfing (longer and softer boards).
Go surfing every day for a week. First dip your feet, then down to knees, to hips and to shoulder. Then start from square 1.
Quit reading anything about surfing, but let your body learn surfing.
Totally give up surfing and move to Tahoe (where BFSB awaits, so be careful).
Start a NorCal Poser's Yahoo Group.
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